


Sometimes Things That Are Expensive Are Worse.

by lesbonaruto



Category: Gintama
Genre: Found Family, Gen, Kagura has issues, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Yorozuya Family, also yes the title IS from the gay and wondrous life of caleb gallow, but she has a good support system and people who care for her, minor Dadtoki, my poor bbygirl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:34:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23067844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbonaruto/pseuds/lesbonaruto
Summary: She can’t wear the Yoshiwara silks anymore. The way the fabric slides smoothly across her skin is a fragrant reminder of the blood on her hands.
Relationships: Kagura & Sakata Gintoki & Shimura Shinpachi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 59





	Sometimes Things That Are Expensive Are Worse.

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanted to write about the trauma Kagura had after the Yoshiwara incident, and how the people around her helped her deal with it. There's a lot of tragedy in the Gintama world, each of the characters has their own trauma. But I like to think that they all remain sort of okay because of the bonds they have with each other, and the support system they've formed.

She can’t wear the Yoshiwara silks anymore. The way the fabric slides smoothly across her skin is a fragrant reminder of the blood on her hands. 

Otae sometimes tries to get her to dress up for a proper occasion, but anything too fancy brings her back to that night, to the crack of Abuto’s bones and the cry of Shinpachi’s screams. When she wriggles out of another short silk kimono and rips it in the process, Otae almost yells at her before she sees the tears in her eyes. She didn’t understand, but if there was one thing Otae was good at, it was comforting people, even when she didn’t understand. Otae hugged her and they remained like that, curled up in a pile of silks and satin for an hour. Kagura wondered after if Shinpachi had told his sister something, but he never had. 

Tsukki misunderstands. She doesn’t know the reason, but she’s been around enough traumatized courtesans for the fear of false Yoshiwara luxury to set in deep. She looks at Kagura with sympathy, but doesn’t say anything. What she does do is hand Kagura a sharp hairpin, “just in case.” The Yato girl didn’t need another weapon, but she keeps it nonetheless. 

Soyo helps her let it out. When she’s invited to her friend's house, the princess suggests they play dress up. One look at the expensive kimonos hanging in her best friend’s wardrobe makes bile rise to her throat. Soyo takes the shake of her head as politeness and holds up a robe that bears a striking resemblance to the one she wore Then. It was beautiful, luxurious, fit for a princess. Blood red. Kagura felt herself leaving her body, she was There again, she was There in Yoshiwara, she was gone, she was a monster, she had nothing but blood and victory on her mind. Soyo shook her back, asking if she was okay, saying she’d been staring into space, unresponsive, for several minutes. Kagura had to leave early. The next time she came to the palace, Soyo held up a pair of scissors and together they cute up the red robe into strips and made a kite. 

Sometimes she steals clothes from Gintoki. They smell like him, and make her feel warm and grounded. They’re the only clothes aside from hers that she can wear. He pretends to be annoyed about it. And they’re cheap as all hell, overworn and dirty. To her they feel like home. She never tries to explain what happened that night to her guardian, and he never knows to ask. It’s one of the few secrets she and Shinpachi keep from him. 

Shinpachi sympathizes. He was there, on the day where she lost to herself. For a while after he would tiptoe around her, and she hated it. She was unable to tell him so -- what if he flinched? What if she got mad and scared him? What if he looked at her with horror in his eyes the way he did then-- she kept quiet. But he knew, because Shinpachi was good at seeing people, and asked her if she wanted to talk about it. She said no, but a few weeks later after a particularly bad night she opened her mouth and everything came pouring out, and he listened. Shinpachi was also very good at listening. And he promised not to tell anyone, not even Otae, because as much as she was his sister Kagura was his sister too. He was the only one on Earth who really understood. 

Off-Earth, her blood brother relished in the blood that soaked his clothes. His smile was perfect and fake, teeth stained with blood and gore. Kamui bathed in violence. She loved him and she hated him and she feared becoming like him more than her own death. 

Her father killed without the gusto of her brother, but he killed nonetheless. He walked with blood on his hands and apathy in his eyes. His heart belonged to a dead woman, after all. Sometimes Kagura thought she lost both of her parents the day she lost her mother. But to lose someone, you have to have them in the first place, and she wasn’t sure if she’d ever really had her father. 

She was scared, but Kagura never lost herself again like she did that night. Even when she fought her brother, stood across from him and truly faced him, she didn’t break. Even when her father and brother tried to kill each other, even when she almost lost Gintoki, she stayed herself. After all, if she was going to lose everything, she needed to be able to pick up the pieces and mourn. A monster couldn’t mourn. 

  
  



End file.
